Melissa Muse's Poetry
In one of my most personal paintings, "The Rest I Keep For Me", I use some of my own poems in the background of the piece. Many people have asked how they could read the poems when they can't see the painting in person. So I decided to add a page of my poetry to the website. These poems may be triggering to survivors of Narcissistic Abuse. Happily now my kids and I have the love of a wonderful man. These poems are not about Gary. ~Melissa Muse
Kerrville TX

Moot Monster

In a dark corner,
Of a booze stained room,
Sits a moot monster,
Shrieking his tune.
Teeth filed blunt,
Declawed and unfeared,
He tries to breathe fire,
But just burps beer.
He shakes his fists,
And stomps his feet,
Indignant and starved,
With no souls to eat.
So he throws a tantrum,
And points his paw,
And swears up and down,
It's against the law.
"No one gets away,
You can never be free,
Of a big bad monster,
As scary as me."
~ Melissa Muse 11/14/22
I'm the Bad Guy

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger",
That's what they tell me anyway.
"Good people never lose love",
Or at least that's what they say.
So tell me I'm the bad guy,
Because I really do not see,
That these cliches equal wisdom.
You'll say something's wrong with me.
Why is it that I feel like breaking,
When I've taken all I can?
And no I'm not required to forgive,
An unrepentant and abusive man.
No it doesn't make me weak,
Or mean that I can't heal.
It only means I won't pretend,
That your repetition makes it real.
So you can say whatever you want,
And see what you want to see,
Just because it works for you,
Doesn't mean it's right for me.
~Melissa Muse
Brutal Detour

Such a brutal detour,
That I set upon my path.
A nasty set of lessons,
But there's no going back.
I'm still picking bits of eggshell,
From my bruised and bloody soul.
I'm hardened by the battles,
But I'm regaining control.
Every nerve was frayed,
Till I could no longer feel,
So disconnected from myself,
Like I wasn't even real.
The soul sucking sadness,
Like some ravenous beast,
With its list of demands,
Where I mattered the least.
Still I find myself,
At the end of this road.
With the strength I have gained,
To help lighten my load.
All the losses I suffered,
Have chiseled away,
All the weakness and doubt,
That led me astray.
A wisdom emerged,
Through the violent removal,
Of layers of fairy tales,
And my need for approval.
Maybe it's strange,
I don't need to be touched.
After so many years,
I don't miss it that much.
No one will own me,
Or drown me in need,
Or litter my world,
With their hatred and greed.
I see my old path,
Like a glittering road,
Just waiting for me,
To finally find my way home.
I missed you old friend,
It was a hell of a ride.
But this was the chapter,
Where I found what's inside.
Now this brutal detour,
Will come to an end.
And I'll celebrate freedom,
With my family and friends.
~Melissa Muse
Someday Soon

Someday soon,
I can stop looking back,
Looking over my shoulder,
And trying to predict you.
Someday soon,
I'll be full steam ahead,
Living my passion,
No walls to break through.
Someday soon,
I'll have all of my magic,
And the inner peace,
That I wasted on you.
Someday soon,
I can be true to myself.
I long to look forward,
And forget all about you.
Someday soon,
I'll remember my dreams,
And the fire inside me,
Almost smothered by you.
Someday soon,
I'll reclaim all of my power,
And do the beautiful things,
That I intended to do.
Someday soon,
I'll get your boot off my neck,
And these cuffs off my hands,
And I'll return them to you.
Someday soon,
You'll be just a bad dream,
Where I silently screamed,
And surrendered to you.
Someday soon,
I will fully wake up,
From the zombie like state,
I created for you.
Someday soon,
I will feel everything,
That I had to keep numb,
Just to tolerate you.
Someday soon,
My adventure begins,
I want to take it all in,
No longer hampered by you.
Someday soon,
Yes I long for the day,
I am counting the hours,
Till I can "nothing" you.
Melissa Marzee Muse
Finally Move On

I don't care to hear your reasons why,
I just want off this phone.
Please just get to the point,
We want to be left alone.
I knew as long as I never asked,
You'd come to the same conclusion.
It had to be your own idea,
And fit with your delusions.
"Take my name off of the house,
And give me a divorce.
Don't ask me for the child support,
I'll give up my rights of course."
"Don't expect that I should pay,
Or I can't afford my booze.
Hire a lawyer and do the work.
Make sure that I can't lose."
"I want it all in writing now,
I must have your assurance.
You'll never ask for what I owe,
Toward the mortgage or insurance."
Yes, yes I'll do it all,
I'll pay for everything.
Go enjoy your brand new car,
Don't worry about a thing.
All we ever really wanted,
Was to be left alone in peace.
I'll pay what ever you demand,
As long as we'll be free.
Cross the t's and dot the i's,
And make a million calls.
You tell me I'm the kindest,
And most honest one of all.
But the moment that you hang up,
You sing a different tune.
Forever more the victim,
Full of bitterness and doom.
Don't mention all the partying,
And maxed out credit cards.
In your goal to villainize me,
That won't get you very far.
I try to say I do not care,
What your fanclub all believe.
But to speak my truth for a change,
Would give me some relief.
Counting down the minutes now,
Till you're really truly gone.
So that those you treated worst of all,
Can finally move on.
Melissa Marzee Muse
Treated Like A King

How can I get out,
All the words I need to say,
But not let the pounding,
In my ears get in the way?
Maybe I should pause,
To see if you object?
To my tone, to my words?
Hold my breath and just reflect.
So I tried to take a beat,
And you filled up all the space,
With your endless tales of woe,
And utter lack of grace.
All I really need from you,
Is a single simple thing.
But first you need to know,
You'll be treated like a King.
The King of crocodiles,
Who paints his throne in tears.
With profound lack of perspective
You're rehashing all those years.
Anointing yourself Victim-in-Chief,
Of your delusional reality.
It never matters at all to you,
What you actually do to me.
But the end is in sight now,
I just have to hold my tongue,
Never ever defend myself,
To you or anyone.
Just sign the freaking form,
And you'll get all that you ask.
But tell the world you're a martyr,
And polish up that mask.
I see that there's a light now,
Somewhere up ahead.
So I charge through the tunnel,
Ignoring all my dread.
I've almost made it now,
So soon we will be free!
We won't have to see you,
You'll no longer shackle me.
I'm charging right ahead now,
No longer holding back.
I'm taking back my power,
And getting back on track.
This long detour through hell,
Is very nearly done.
Just to have survived you,
Means that really I have won.
I'll be tearing out the pages,
Of the chapters of my life,
Where I had the great misfortune,
To ever be your wife.
I'll burn them on a funeral pyre,
Reducing them to ashes,
Lose them to the four winds,
And all the time that passes.
All I really need from you,
Is a single simple thing.
But first you need to know,
You'll be treated like a King.
Melissa Muse
I Think It's Good

Oh dear, oh dear,
What did you do?
You pushed me too far,
To give in to you.
You expect me to cave,
Again and again.
To waiver and wobble,
Till you finally "win".
But this isn't working,
To your utter dismay.
I'm tired of retreating,
From these games that you play.
I've been patient so long,
That you seem to forget,
I was much stronger once,
Before the two of us met.
I'm done with your garbage,
Piled high with your lies.
Your angles and threats,
And longwinded goodbyes.
There is nothing you have,
To offer at all.
Don't bait me. Don't threaten.
And don't fucking call.
Go far, far away,
And talk till you're blue.
I don't want to hear it,
Or give one more second to you.
You say I must hate you,
Well you're probably right.
With the way you behave,
You know I just might.
But mostly I "nothing" you.
Not one thing at all.
I wish you away,
Like some fly on the wall.
I see that you're squirming,
Afraid what you've done.
You've found out my limit,
When you thought that you'd "won".
Watch out what you ask for,
You sad little man.
I intend to deliver,
As well as I can.
I've bent over backwards,
And tied up in knots,
To give all that you wanted,
But you don't want what you got.
Just go away now,
You're no longer my ward.
Take your drama and whining,
I'm already bored.
This just isn't working,
As you hoped that it would.
You regret what you asked for,
Because I think it's good.
Melissa Muse
Gnawing At My Heartstrings

You're always so adept,
At saying what you need.
You have every justification,
To rationalize your greed.
After all I'm only here,
To serve your every whim.
(Can you imagine how he'd act,
If I pulled this crap on him??)
You love to throw the gauntlet down,
To exercise your power.
But then you snatch it up real quick,
If I forget to cower.
I'm becoming less afraid of you,
In fact I'm getting pissed.
You love to imply what you'll do,
If I seem like I'll resist.
I've had enough of trembling,
Afraid of what you'll do.
I'm done being the punching bag,
Time to bring this fight to you.
You've been gnawing on my heartstrings,
A hell of a long time.
All of yours are severed now,
And the rest of them are mine.
Melissa Muse
Weaponized Incompetence

What gives you the right
To talk to me that way?
Why do you pretend
That you wanted to stay?
You curse my name,
Then demand my assistance.
You threaten and badger
If met with resistance.
I've asked for and you've given
Us nothing at all.
I've given and given
Whenever you called.
I carry the load,
For three of us now.
You've only yourself,
But claim not to know how.
You can't dial a phone.
You can't pay your bill.
You can't look it up.
Well you can and you will.
I'm no longer your mommy.
I hereby resign.
Your secret is out.
It's all been by design.
Pull up those bootstraps,
And act like a man.
You're so good at acting,
I'm sure that you can.
So long is the list,
Of the people you hate.
The wrong color, wrong gender,
Wrong religion, wrong state.
Look in the mirror,
And see if it's true.
Do you really believe
We should all be like you?
Are you really the knight
That you make out to be?
Because I'm not the villain
In this story you see.
So many rescues
I should never have done.
You really aren't helpless,
But controlling me is fun.
The jig Is up.
It's all over now.
I'd say be a man,
But you don't know how.
~Melissa Muse
Never Again

Never again
will I silence them to please you.
Never again
will I punish them for peace.
Never again
will we pretend that this is how it has to be,
That your rage
is the most important thing.
Never again
will we bite our tongues in fear,
Never again
will we choke on our opinions,
Never again
will we dwell inside your minefield,
Trapped and tricked
no matter where we turn.
Never again
will I agree to play my role.
Never again
will your words escape my lips.
Never again
will I tell them what they heard,
And we won't beg
for your forgiveness anymore.
Never again
will we flock around the gaslight,
as there's no air left in the room.
They look to me
to protect their fragile hearts.
Never again
will I let their lights be dimmed.
Never again
will you convince us that we're evil.
Never again
will you convince us you're a Saint.
Never again
will you bury us in silence,
Or smother us in all of your hate.
~Melissa Muse
Silent Past

I'm so very sorry,
That I looked at you that way.
And I didn't say the words,
That you wanted me to say.
I swear I didn't mean,
To click the wrong web page.
I didn't mean to cause,
The days of silent rage.
I'm so sorry that our son,
Knocked your papers to the floor.
We understand that you,
Can not love us anymore.
We don't know what we did,
To make the screen go blue.
But we know we can't expect,
To be forgiven by you.
I tried so very hard,
To keep them quiet all day.
But they accidentally laughed,
And woke you anyway.
We know it's not your fault,
That we always feel afraid.
We know we should accept,
This is the bed that we made.
I'm sorry I'm so selfish,
With a heart as cold as ice.
I know everyone else knows,
That you're always really nice.
We know your disappointment,
Is always down to us.
You wish we didn't talk back,
Causing such a fuss.
You know there's really nothing,
Left for us to say.
Besides, we already know,
You wouldn't hear us anyway.
Melissa Muse
At Least He's Not Violent

"It's just a wall.", he said.
"We can fix the hole some day."
"It's just my keyboard.", he said.
"We can buy another one."
"It's just my mouse.", he said.
"They aren't that expensive."
"It's just your Mother's day mug.", he said
"We have plenty of mugs."
"It's just the storm door.", he said.
"Tell the landlord you'll replace it."
"It's just a dog.", he said.
"He should have moved."
"It's just a beer bottle.", he said.
"It missed your face anyway."
"At least I'm not violent.", he said.
I didn't know what to say.
~Melissa Muse

I don't know
 what was wrong with me.
I guess we see
what we want to see.
I thought I had to rescue you.
But you weren't who
you pretended to be.
All the glamour and glory
you put on display,
Was just a distraction
from the darkness and gray.
All the anger inside you
was a bubbling rage.
But it wasn't your fault
I decided to stay.
Now I know
what was wrong with me.
I guess we see
what we want to see.
I thought I was
supposed to rescue you.
But now I see
I should have rescued me.
~Melissa Muse

Is that a Halo you're wearing,
So neatly on your head?
Or some crown of thorns your bearing,
Like a martyr now instead?
You're like a Chameleon King,
In an endless masquerade.
You were always performing,
To bait the traps you'd laid.
I should have believed you,
That I was out of your league.
I just couldn't see through,
The facade that you'd weaved.
I remember my shock,
And the utter dismay,
At your first disappointment,
As the car drove away.
You weren't my first love,
Though you're likely my last.
I no longer want love,
Like I did in the past.
I just want to be free,
To have peace and joy,
And be allowed to be me,
And care for my boys.
~Melissa Muse
The Rest I Keep for Me

There was a place in my heart
That you hadn't touched,
Where my soul was still okay.
I guess we ended just in time,
Before I truly went away.
A tiny ember still remained
Of who I used to be,
Before your darkness drown my light,
And tried to swallow me.
I fan that heart flame daily now,
I love to see it grow.
No longer chained inside the box
you built to trap my soul.
You claimed I was the Angel
sent by God to rescue you.
The truth is I am human,
not your property or tool.
I was always not quite good enough
to meet your expectations.
There was still too much of "Me" around,
Which caused you such frustration.
Every time I found my strength,
You told me I was cruel.
You called my courage bitterness
And said I was a fool.
The well of tears I cried for you
Has finally all run dry.
I warned you that the end was near,
But you couldn't even try.
All alone is glorious,
A rebirth of my light.
A world of possibilities
My creativity takes flight.
Your Angel, your Martyr, your Demon, your Slave.
These things will never be.
16 years I gave to you,
the rest I keep for me.
~Melissa Muse 10/5/21
We Just Want to be Unbroken

I still remember our first kiss,
Dancing drunk in the fire light,
I believed all your sad tales,
I was moved by your plight.
You made so many promises,
Told me so many lies.
You pretended I was kidnapped,
We pretended to fight.
I never understood your thinking,
But went along for the ride.
I wish I could have really seen you,
The bitter man that you hide.
Now we have two children,
They are my love and my light.
But you've never been their father,
And now you've lost that right.
So now we never want to see you.
You broke us too many times.
I really hate the way you used me,
To try to warp their minds.
We just want to be unbroken,
But it will take some time.
I'm so glad I'm here to help them,
That I still have time.
You used up all your chances,
And someone almost died.
You still can't see the damage,
That we were trained to hide.
I lost all my feelings for you,
And it's been quite some time.
Self-preservation does that,
You learn to hide inside.
So now I chip away that armor,
And embrace the Light.
So many years in the Darkness,
Of your endless night.
You pretend that you're gallant,
Like some chivalrous Knight,
But the secret is you're hollow,
Without a heart inside.
Let the Flying Monkeys have you,
Let them buy your plight.
There's nothing I want from you,
Except to say Goodbye.
We just want to be unbroken,
But it will take some time.
I'm so glad I'm here to help them,
That I still have time.
~Melissa Muse
The Beast

Be careful, so careful,
Don't trigger the Beast.
Shaking and sweating,
He can't hear that at least.
You know that he's awful,
There's not much you can do.
Just be careful, so careful,
Be sure to think things through.
Plan out your wording,
Be sure to make it clear.
Make sure to sound passive,
But don't let him hear your fear.
Prepare for all his angles,
And avenues of attack.
And try to remember,
You can never take it back.
Every word that you speak,
Will be turned around on you.
You'll be painted the villain,
No matter what you do.
Placate his ego,
Let him suck up supply.
Just let him lecture you,
Don't point out the lies.
Those kids need you,
Just take it as you must.
The names he calls mean nothing,
Believe those that you trust.
Don't answer his questions,
You know that it's just bait.
He just wants to hurt you,
And won't hesitate.
Try to remember,
What you needed to say.
Soon it will be over,
And you can stay away.
Just be careful, so careful,
Don't trigger the Beast.
Heartbeat is pounding,
He can't hear that at least.
~ Melissa Muse
Still Haunted

Threatening to drown us,
Was hardly a joke.
"Shut up, quit crying!",
Were the words that you spoke.
You thought it was funny,
To make us upset.
The boys were both screaming.
But you weren't done yet.
You drove in reverse,
As fast as you could,
On a one lane road,
Like no sane person would.
You howled and cursed,
And derided our fear.
We held on for dear life,
As you threw it in gear.
You went flipping around,
On that dark forest road.
All that we wanted,
Was to get out and go.
But there was no escape,
Till we finally arrived.
All shaking and crying,
Just glad we're alive.
We tried to calm down,
Act normal again.
It was Christmas you know,
With all of my kin.
Our faces were pale,
Hands trembling with fright.
We all had fake smiles,
For the party that night.
But everyone noticed,
That something was wrong.
You announced through clenched teeth,
That we couldn't stay long.
I begged for the keys,
And to not make a fuss.
You said you were tired,
And so sick of us.
We were glad to get home,
And hoped you were done.
I wanted to leave,
But we had nowhere to run.
Then you did it again,
At the boat dock in town.
You raced into the river,
And said we'd all drown.
Again our hysterics,
Sent you into a rage.
We can't understand,
This war that you wage.
Why do you want us
To beg for our lives.
Real men don't do this,
To their sons and their wives.
Again we're expected,
To shut up and smile.
Even now I'm still haunted,
Once in awhile.
~ Melissa Marzée Muse